I'm So Confused

A few weeks ago, I showed up to my Wednesday afternoon conversational English class only to find my students leaving. "No class today," they said as they passed by. "Nobody told me," I thought, as I wondered if they were scheming on me. A while later, the real professor came to my office to tell me there was no class that day. Better late than never - the Indian motto.

I don't know why I keep embarrassing myself in front of this same bunch of students, but it happened again today. I showed up to the class, confident and ready to actually teach them something (and this has been a long time coming), only to be told that I wasn't needed today - someone else was going to teach them. "Nobody told me," I said again, feeling lost and confused.

So, instead of teaching my class this afternoon, I am sitting at my computer typing this blog. It's no problem, really, because you'll get a laugh, but I just can't seem to figure out a way not to be confused here. It's not just this English class either. Achen announces events during church (in Malayalam), then wonders why I didn't know about these events when he brings them up the day before they're scheduled to happen and I am not prepared to participate. At the post office, I always stand in the line that was right last time, only to find that it's not the right line this time. And don't even get me started on the language issue. I'm learning how to speak, but I am a long way from understanding; all I can usually respond to anyone's attempts at speaking to me in Malayalam is "Manasilayilla" - I don't understand.

I feel that way all the time. I don't understand. I'm not sure what to do. I am so darn confused.

And yet, I'm finding that in this confused state of affairs, my life in India - "one big, confused mess," as I described it to my students today - is going on. I wake up in the morning, I fall into bed at night, and although I spend the entire day wondering what, exactly, is going on, I still make it through. I'm confused, but I'm still making it through. And if that's not a blessing...